I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.