Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!"

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.