I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!