My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.