My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.