My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house!

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.