Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.