Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

Everyone I love I pay.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.