Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.