Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

My favorite procrastination is to make the choice to have valuable times with human beings that I care about instead of holing myself up alone to get my work done.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.