Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.