I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.