I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.