And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.