I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.