I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.