I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.