I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and... filled with stuffing.

I become a chameleon for wherever I am.