A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

Valuable people are undervalued.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?