What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.