What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.