What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.