What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.