Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?