Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.