I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

My favorite procrastination is to make the choice to have valuable times with human beings that I care about instead of holing myself up alone to get my work done.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.