My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

I will always prefer a hardback book, but I'm drawn to digital because it's so easy to acquire them when I'm having a need-to-read moment.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.