My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.