My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.