My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.