My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.