My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.