My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.