My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously - accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'

Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.