Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

I have no plan except to take care of the people I love.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.