Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

I love my mom! You can too for $12!