The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house!

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?