The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

My favorite procrastination is to make the choice to have valuable times with human beings that I care about instead of holing myself up alone to get my work done.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.