The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

All I've ever done is try to entertain my way through a life that often has a huge amount of heaviness in it.

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.