I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

I'm psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.

The favorite method of vice is to diss all responsibility be work or social, go off by myself, and enjoy a good steak and a great glass of wine. Oh yeah, and my kids are there too.