No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.