I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?

They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?