I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack.

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.