Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.