It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.