I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

I love my mom! You can too for $12!