The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.

There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii.

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.