Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

I love my mom! You can too for $12!

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.