Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby.