There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.