If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.