Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.

I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

[Late-night host] is not really a job for a woman. You can't have kids and be a late-night host.I mean Samantha Bee has children, but you're there all day and all night. No one has a life outside of it. I would never try to have a family. I care much more about a career anyway, than having a family, so that's my own prerogative. It's just not something that a woman.

In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.