You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.

I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.