I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.