My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all want to be famous for no reason.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

My life and my legs have been an open book.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.