Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.