I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted people to laugh at what I was saying, not to be staring at my boobs or wearing a skirt and show off my ... I just didn't think that that was the best way to get taken seriously in that world.

I was so frivolous for so many years. It was so much fun, but you feel guilty about the brain energy you use to think about whether some celebrity was sleeping with another celebrity. The conjecture that goes along with that. You feel like your mind has been shot apart.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.