You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
Chelsea HandlerA Catholic priest whoโs been sending threatening notes to Conan OโBrien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
Chelsea HandlerAccording to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan's next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He's a convicted drug dealer who's been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.
Chelsea HandlerI think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it.
Chelsea HandlerI went out with a guy who once told me I didnโt need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, Iโm drinking so that youโre more fun to be around.
Chelsea HandlerSeeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.
Chelsea Handler