I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.

People push my buttons, so I'm going to react.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.