A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.

Before any exposure on TV, I'm a real chef.

I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.