You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

I like to just follow what I find compelling. In order for me to be compelling, I have to be compelled. I don't try to think about what people are interested in seeing, I have to be interested. For me, that works the best.