I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.

I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.

You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.