You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.

Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.

I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.