When you have a vision, you have to see it through, and you can make anything happen. You really can, especially in this [entertainment ] industry.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.