My father has a high opinion of his opinion

I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.

I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.