Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.

What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.