To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.