That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.