That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

Being that frank and being that open, there's more praise than there is negativity. It's just the negativity gets printed because you're straight and f - ing rude. It's not rude, it's just getting straight to the point.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.