I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.