I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.

Reality TV's pretty tricky for me. I don't really watch anything like that, because I think it's brain-sucking.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.